Harry Potter: A Play
by Morglay
Summary: Mashup of all the books. 45 minutes in length, cast of twenty. Disclaimer: Anything you recognise, I do not own.
1. Scene One

_Enter Dumbledore and McGonagall_

Dumbledore: Fancy seeing you here, Professor McGonagall. Would you care for a sherbet

lemon? Hagrid is running a little late.

McGonagall: Hagrid's bringing him? You think it _wise_ to trust _Hagrid_ with something like this?

Dumbledore: I would trust Hagrid with my life.

McGonagall: I'm not doubting his intentions, it's just- You cannot pretend that he isn't careless.

He does tend to- (_loud bang_) What was that?

_Enter Hagrid carrying Harry, who is sucking his thumb._

Dumbledore: Hagrid, at last. Thank you.

Hagrid: Could I, (_sobbing_) could I say goodbye to him, sir? Sorry, I-I can't- with James and

Lily dead an'-

Dumbledore: I know, I know, it's terrible. (_Hagrid reluctantly hands Harry over_) They were _such_ a

compatible couple. That's why I made him head boy, you know. (_He moves upstage, _

_ still carrying Harry_) The most important child in the world. (_Drops Harry_) Let's go

Partaay!

_Exit all_


	2. Scene Two

_ Sign passes: 'Ten years later'. Hustle and bustle. Harry wanders through King's Cross _

_ Station looking lost. All the Weasleys are present, Arthur inspecting everything to do _

_ with muggles and Percy polishing his prefect badge._

Mrs Weasley: Packed with muggles of course. Arthur, will you stop examining those plugs! Right,

Percy, you go first, Fred, you next. Wait where have Fred and George got to?

_Mr Weasley approaches a member of the audience._

Mr Weasley: Do you have an ecelectric device? Geniuses, muggles.

Mrs Weasley: Arthur!

_The Weasleys jump through the barrier in comic style. Harry sees them and _

_ approaches the barrier, poking it slightly before he falls through it. As he rushes _

_ forwards on the platform, he sees Ginny. Everything stops. They pass eachother in _

_ slow motion, gazing into eachothers eyes. Ginny slips on a banana skin and falls into _

_ Harry's arms._

Ginny: You must be a broom, because you've swept me off my feet! I'm Ginny, Ginny

Weasley.

Harry: Harry. Harry Potter.

Mrs Weasley: Ginny!

_Ginny rushes offstage. Harry gets into the train compartment, looking dazed. Enter _

_ Ron._

Ron: Excuse me, do you mind? Everywhere else is full.

Harry: Sure.

_Silence._

Ron: Would you like some cookie dough?

Harry: Absolutely! Cookie dough is like my favourite thing in the world.

Ron: Oh-my-God, me too! I'm Ron by the way. Ron Weasley.

Harry: Harry. Harry Potter.

Ron: No! Are you really? Have you got the...

_Enter Hermione._

Hermione: Has anyone seen a toad? A boy named Neville's lost one. Holy cricket! You're Harry

Potter! I know all about you, of course - you're in Modern Magical History and The

Rise and Fall of the Dark Arts and Great Wizarding Events of the Twentieth

Century. I got a few extra books for background reading. Nobody in my family is

magic at all. It was ever such a surprise when I got my letter, but I was ever so

pleased, of course, I mean, it is the very best school of witchcraft there is, I've

heard. I've learnt all our set books off by heart, of course, I just hope it'll be

enough. I'm Hermione Granger, by the way. (_To Ron_) And you are?

Ron: Ron Weasley.

Hermione: Pleasure. (_She begins to leave_) And you've got dirt on your nose, by the way. Did

you know? Just there.

_Exit Hermione._

Ron: Whatever house I'm in, I hope _she's_ not in it

Harry: Are all your family wizards?

Ron: I think so. Mum's got a second cousin who's an accountant, but we don't talk

about him.

_ Enter Malfoy with his apple._

Malfoy: Is it true? They're saying all down the train that Harry Potter's in this

compartment.

Harry: Yes.

Malfoy: Malfoy. Draco Malfoy. (_To Ron_) No need to ask who you are. Red hair, hand me

down clothes, and a stupid complexion; you must be a Weasley. (_To Harry_) You'll

soon find out some wizarding families are much better than others, Potter. You

don't want to go making friends with the wrong sort. I can help you 'm a

racist; I hate gingers and despise mud-bloods. I hate Gryffindor house. My parents

work for the man who murdered your parents. Do you want to be my friend?

Harry: I think I can tell the wrong sort for myself, thanks.

Malfoy: My father will hear about this!

_Exit Malfoy. Exit all._


	3. Scene Three

_The Great Hall. Students are sitting in a semicircle at the front of the stage. Enter _

_ Dumbledore._

Dumbledore: The very best of evenings to you! To our new students, welcome, (_to the audience_)

and to our old students, welcome back! Another year of magical education awaits

you. We will start, as usual, with the sorting. Unfortunately, a funny thing

happened to the sorting hat, It actually got hitched with another piece of magical

clothing, so it and the scarf of sexual preference won't be back until next year .

Basically, I've been putting anyone who looks like a good guy into Gryffindor, and

anybody who looks like a bad guy into Slytherin, and the others can go wherever

the hell they want, I don't even care. But before we begin our banquet, I

would like to-

_Enter Quirrel and Voldemort, attached back to back._

Quirrel: Troll! In the dungeons! Thought you ought to know. (They c_ollapse. Everyone _

_ panics._)

Malfoy: My father will hear about this!

Snape: Settle down. Settle down. Prefects, lead your houses back to the dormitories.

Immediately.

Malfoy: But our dormitories are in the dungeons!

Dumbledore: Troll-ol-ol-olol!

_Exit all but Quirrel and Voldemort_.

Quirrel: Fools! They think they're safe, back for another fun year of learning shenanigans

at Hogwarts. Little do they know-

Voldemort: Quirrel, I can't breathe under this damn turban!

Quirrel: I'm sorry, my dark king-

Voldemort: Look, relax with the whole 'dark king' thing, okay? Call me Voldemort, we're there,

we've reached that point.

Quirrel: Yes, yes, my…Voldemort. But isn't it wonderful? The plan is almost complete. All we

have to do is send him a harmless portkey, like a book or a dolphin.

Voldemort: Yes! You know, with it all going so well, we should celebrate. What do you say,

Quirrel, I hear it's Karaoke-night down at the Hogshead tomorrow. (Begin to exit)

Quirrel: I'm not sure, I have all these assignments to mark and I've been spending so

much time on this revenge plan lately that-

Voldemort: Just give them all B-minuses and be done with it!

Quirrel: Now that's evil.

Voldemort: What do you expect? I'm the dark Lord.

_Exit all._


	4. Scene Four

_Harry and Ron are sitting at a table playing chess._

Harry: I can't believe Quirrel mistook Goyle for a troll. Well I can, but-

_Enter Hermione_

Hermione: Malfoy's got detention! I could sing!

Harry & Ron: Don't!

Hermione: Look at you playing chess. Pathetic! We've got exams coming up soon.

Ron: I'm ready! Ask me any question.

Hermione: All right, what are the three most crucial ingredients in a Forgetfulness Potion?

Ron: ... I forgot.

Hermione: And what, may I ask, do you plan to do if this comes up in the final exam?

Ron: Copy off you?

Hermione: No, you won't! Besides, according to Professor McGonagall, we're to be given

special quills bewitched with an anti-cheating spell.

Ron: That's _insulting_! It's as if they don't trust us! (Moves a piece) Checkmate.

Harry Not again!

_Enter Snape_

Snape: You shouldn't be inside on a day like this; people will think you're up to something.

Ten points from Gryffindor.

Ron: We're revising.

Snape: Obviously. Five points for answering back. And another five for your insultingly

bright hair. (_Begins to exit, Singing_) 'I see you driving round town with the girl I

love, and I'm like, _I'm gonna be a real dick to your son_'.

_Exit Snape._

Harry: God, I hate that guy!

Ron: Me too.

_Parcel is thrown onto the stage._

Harry: Oh, I have a parcel. I wonder who-

_As Harry touches it, exit Ron and Hermione. He is transported to the graveyard, _

_ where he writhes on the floor._

Harry: Ow! My scar!

Voldemort: Harry Potter – the boy who lived! How delightful to see you again!

Deatheater: The cauldron is ready, my Lord.

Voldemort: Excellent!

_Quirrel and Voldemort climb into the cauldron._

Deatheater: Bone of the father, unknowingly given (_puts in bone_), flesh of the servant, w-

willingly taken (_cuts of hand_), blood of the enemy, forcibly taken-

_Voldemort and Quirrel are now not attached to eachother._

Quirrel: It worked!

_Enter Bellatrix._

Bellatrix: My dark Lord! My sweet, sweet lord, you still smell of rotten eggs and fish, just the

way I like it.

Voldemort: Bellatrix Lestrange!

Bellatrix: Oh my liege, it's been too long! I can't tell you what it's been like without you! I

hope you still enjoy playing footsy because I've been moisturising my feet in

preparation for that moment.

Voldemort: Oh, I do baby. And I'm never going back, because now I've conquered death. And

the first pleasure of my new life will be to kill Harry Potter! Wait, where did he go?

Harry: You won't kill me today Voldemort!

_Harry grabs the portkey and is transported back to Hogwarts. Enter Ron and _

_ Hermione, as before._

Harry: He's back! Voldemort is back!


	5. Scene Five

_Harry knocks on door_

Dumbledore: Come in, Harry! Please, take a seat. (_Harry enters. Dumbledore is making a Lego _

_Hogwarts whilst humming 'Lego house'_) Now, to business. I have decided it is time

- Since Voldemort is back – that you know of a theory I've been working on for a

while now. For reasons I am not going to bother explaining to you, I believe the

reason that Voldemort has been able to survive is because of the existence of six

horcruxes. A horcrux is an object in which one conceals part of one's soul, so even

if your body is destroyed, you will be unable to die. If all of his horcruxes are

destroyed, however, Voldemort shall be a mere mortal, like you. Now, all I want

you to do is find the four that are left and destroy them all. Comprende?

Harry: But they could be anywhere: at he bottom of the ocean, buried in a desert,

hidden in a sock-

Dumbledore: I taught Tom Riddle. I know his style. Voldemort would have used objects of

importance of him to guard his soul, like the Locket of Slytherin and Helga

Hufflepuff's goblet, and there's probably something to do with Ravenclaw. Oh, and

his snake, Nagini. As to _where_ they are hidden, I believe that I may have found

one.

Harry: Can I come with you to destroy it.

Dumbledore: Yes. In fact, we're going right now. Have you ever apparated before? No? Never

mind. (_They apparate into the cave. Dumbledore waves his wand around a bit, then _

_pulls in the boat_) After you.

Harry: But it's tiny!

Dumbledore: That's what she said! Oh, I've always wanted to say that! Anyhow, it's stronger

than it looks. It'd have to be to carry both Voldemort and his ego. (_They get in _

_boat and go to island. Dumbledore waves his wand over the potion_) Now, I can only

conclude that this potion is supposed to be drunk.

Harry: What? No! What if it kills you?

Dumbledore: Voldemort would not want to kill he who reached this island. Well, not

immediately. Undoubtedly, this potion will act in a way that will prevent me from

taking the horcrux. Therefore, it is your job, Harry, to keep me drinking.

Understand?

Harry: Why can't I drink the potion instead?

Dumbledore: Because I'm much older, much cleverer and much less valuable. Also, I can't bear

to watch another season of Glee. (_Lifts goblet_) To good health!

_He begins drinking, and soon feels great pain. Great point to start improvising._

Harry: Professor? Professor Dumbledore, sir? You have to keep drinking. Good, now I'm

going to apparate us both back. (_Apparate_) We did it! We did it, professor! You're

going to be alright-

Dumbledore: Severus. I need Severus. Go and wake Severus, tell him what has happened and

bring him to me. I shall wait here. (_Footsteps_) Put on your cloak!

_Enter Malfoy. Dumbledore points wand at harry, who goes rigid._

Malfoy: Expelliarmus!

Dumbledore: Not so long ago, I met a boy who made all the wrong choices. Let me help you.

Malfoy: I don't want your help. Don't you understand? I have to do this.

Dumbledore: You are not a killer, Draco.

Malfoy: How do you know? I'm a deatheater. Look! (_He pulls back his sleeve to show a _

_tatoo of a smiley face_) You don't know what I'm capable of. You don't know what

I've done.

Dumbledore: Yes. Yes, I do. But if you feel that way, I shall make it easier for you.

_Enter Bellatrix_

Bellatrix: Go on, Draco! Now! Do it Draco! Now!

Enter Snape

Dumbledore: Severus, please. All those times we had English Tea together. (_Improvise_)

Snape: Avada Kedavra.

_Dumbledore dies a lon and dramatic death. Exit all but Harry. Enter Hermione and Ron._

Hermione: You know what this means, don't you. Hogwarts is no longer safe from Voldemort.

It'll be taken over. We'll have to leave. I'll never be able to take my NEWTs. I had already

started drawing up revision timetables, and all for nothing!

Ron: What do we do now?

Harry: Track down the rest of the horcruxes. I just have to find them and destroy them and then

kill Voldemort. And I put dibs on killing him.


	6. Scene Six

_Camping._

Ron: So are we just going to sit here waiting for something to happen?

Harry: Yeah, pretty much.

Ron: So, there's no plan, or anything?

Harry: Nah. I'm winging it.

Ron: Why haven't you got a plan, Harry? Why don't you know where all the horcruxes

are? You have to actually look for them, Harry! They're not just going to turn up

five meters outside our tent!

Harry: Fine! (_Storms out_) Hey, Ron, look what I found in a puddle five meters outside our

tent! A tiny portion of Voldemort's soul! God, I love winging it!

Hermione: Harry, the taboo! Mustachio! (_Harry slaps a moustache on_)

Enter snatchers. They grab them.

Ron: Get off her!

Hermione: No! Leave him alone!

Snatcher 1: Your boyfriends' going to have a lot worse than that done to him if he's on my list.

Harry: Boyfriend? Oh, that's funny. They're not... (_Ron and Hermione look awkward_) Wait,

you are? You guys are meeting up and you didn't even tell me? So all those times

when I thought you were going off to practice magic you were actually... that is

disgusting! (_to snatchers_) Isn't that disgusting?

Snatcher 1: Enough! (_Pulls out list_) Name and blood status?

Snatcher 2: Hang on, what's that on his forehead? It's a scar! We've caught Harry Potter

Snatcher 1: Don't be ridiculous! He looks nothing like Harry Potter! Do you really think Harry

Potter would have a moustache like that? It's magnificent! Moustaches of that

calibre aren't grown over the space of a few months! (_inspects the moustache, _

_ rips it off_) It's a fake! Take them to Malfoy Manor. We are going to get a nice

reward for this!

They apparate, Belatrix enters

Bellatrix: You! Where did you get that sword, you snivelling flobberworrm! You stole it, didn't

you! You filthy mudblood! It was right next to my dark lord's horcrux in the vault! I

will finish you like cheesecake! Give it to me!

_Enter Dobby_

Dobby: You will not hurt Harry Potter! You will leave him and his friends alone!

_Bellatrix throws a knife at Dobby as they apparate._

Dobby: Harry Potter is safe now

Harry: No! Dobby! Don't, please don't die! (_Dobby dies. Good point for improvisation_.)

Nooooo!

Hermione: Harry, you heard what Bellatrix said. The horcrux is in her vault. We have to get it

before Voldemort finds out we're searching for them. We have to go! Now!


	7. Scene Seven

Hermione: So let's go over the plan one more time. I march up to the end desk, pretending to

be Bellatrix, present her wand to the goblin, and he will then take us to the vault.

Ron: I trail behind you disguised as a death eater, ready to confound the goblin if

anything goes wrong.

Harry: And I'll be under my cloak, making no noise and pretending I don't exist. What

could possibly go wrong?!

Hermione: OK, let's go.

_Fast-forward version of the scene at gringotts: They go past the goblins, put _

_ wand at the end, get in carts, run around in carts, go to vault, get cup, fly out on _

_ a cardboard dragon._

Ron: Yes! We got it

Hermione: That was surprisingly easy, considering "Gringotts is the safest place in the world

for anything you want to keep safe - except perhaps Hogwarts"

Harry: (_Screaming etc_…) Ah, my scar.

Ron: What in the name of Merlin's most baggy y-fronts was that all about, Harry?

Harry: He knows we're hunting horcruxes. Bellatrix has just told him we broke into her

vault. He's heading to Hogwarts to check on the other horcruxes. We have to get

there before he does! We will make this journey to Hogwarts, even though I do

not know the way! (_He starts walking_)

Hermione: Harry, this is not '_The Lord of the Rings_', we don't have to spend 3 ridiculously long-

winded books walking across the pointless meadow, up the irrelevant bypass

and over the lonely mountains to reach our destination, we can apparate!

Harry: Oh, right. Sorry; the futility of our quest was getting to me a bit there.

_They apparate._


	8. Scene Eight

Neville: It's Harry! Harry's back! Now we can overthrow Snape and the Carrows, and take

back the school for our own! The time for hiding is over! Harry Potter is back to

lead the revolution!

Harry: Um, sorry, Neville. I think there's been a bit of a misunderstanding. We're just

here to find something so we can defeat Voldemort.

Ron: We don't even know what we're looking for! They can help us!

Harry: Alright. So, we're looking for a famous object somehow related to Ravenclaw. It's

been missing for, say, fifty years or so. Any ideas?

Luna: There's the lost diadem of Rowena Ravenclaw.

Cho: That was lost centuries ago. In Albania.

Harry: Albania was where Voldemort has been hiding for the last ten years! What does

this diadem look like?

Cho: I can show you if you want to come to the Ravenclaw dormitories with me…

Ginny: Get of him, he's mine! I'll use the bat boggies hex on you-

Hermione: Luna, what does the diadem look like?

Luna: Well, it's sort of a tiara, with-

Ron: Bloody hell! How are we going to find a tiara in Hogwarts! It could be anywhere!

Harry: Wait. This tiara wouldn't happen to be yeh high with a great big blue stone in the

middle? Because if it is, it's here! In the Room of Requirement. I saw it when I

was hiding my cookie dough from Ron last term. Everyone, get out. We need to

use the room. (_People begin to exit_) Aaagh! My scar! Voldemort's coming to

Hogwarts. He'll be here any minute!

Neville: I'll go tell the professors.

_Exit everyone except Harry, Ron and Hermione. They're now in the room of _

_ requirement. They start searching for the diadem. Harry finds it. Enter Malfoy, _

_ pointing his wand at Harry._

Malfoy: Potter!

_Harry turns._

Ron: Stupefy!

_Malfoy drops his apple as he is knocked down._

Malfoy: No! Not my apple!

Harry: Fire! The room's on fire!

_ Harry, Ron and Hermione run out, leaving Malfoy. Harry runs back in and grabs _

_ Malfoy. _

Malfoy: But my apple! (_They exit_)

_Renter Harry, Ron and Hermione._

Hermione: Look at the horcrux! It must have been fiendfyre! It's a type of cursed fire one-

hundred times more destructive than real fire, and it often takes the shape of-

Ron: Not now, Hermione!

Hermione: Sorry.

Harry: Now all we have to do is kill the snake.

_Enter Snape_

Harry: Look, there's Snape, he'll lead us to Voldemort

_ They all put on invisibility cloak, cross to other side of stage. Enter Voldemort and _

_ Nagini._

Voldemort: Why does Potter not come?

Snape: He is a coward, just like his father. Let me go find him and bring him to you

Voldemort: No. You have been a good servant Severus, and I have enjoyed our little games of

snakes and ladders. But I must be master of the elder wand. Nagini, kill.

_Voldemort exits. Nagini attacks Snape. Harry, Ron and Hermione pull off cloak and _

_ run to Snape_

Snape: You have your mother's eyes. (_He dies_)

_Enter all. Everyone is fighting. Deatheaters and students are dueling._

Voldemort: (_Offstage_) Harry Potter, I speak directly to you. (everyone stops fighting. silence.)

You have permitted your friends to die for you rather than face me yourself. I shall

now enter the fray myself, and I shall find you, and I shall punish every last man,

woman and child who try to conceal you from me. Voldemort out, bitches.

_The battle recommences. Neville is now at the front, stabbing Nagini. Bellatrix, Ginny _

_ and Mrs Weasley move forwards._

Bellatrix: (_At Ginny_) Crucio!

Mrs Weasley: Not my daughter you bitch!

_Bellatrix cackles as Mrs Weasley curses her. Bellatrix dies. Harry and Voldemort _

_ move forward._

Harry: There's only one way to settle this Tom: together!

Voldemort: (_Simultaneously_) Avada Kedavra!

Harry: (_Simultaneously_) Expelliarmus!

_They are locked in a struggle._

Voldemort: Why aren't you dying? I'm pointing my wand at you as hard as I can!

_Ron suddenly rushes forward with a gun._

Hermione: Ron, haven't you ever read 'Hogwarts, a History'? Muggle devices don't work

inside Hogwarts!

Ron fires the gun. Voldemort dies. Improvisation. Everyone is reunited. Harry and Ginny, Hermione and Ron, Dumbledore and Snape, Voldemort and Quirrel etc...

The End.


End file.
